tales from the front

2:55pm

i'm leaving 315 Bay st. after meeting up with 50 to hand him a job going north that's got more than an hour left. I'm headed to 235 Mo, to grab a job going to the heights along with two others i have on board. One of the jobs is due at 1600 Webster at 3:33pm. I cut up Grant st, hang a soft left onto southbound columbus, and i'm off. Columbus gets quick once you get over the hump. I made the green going thru broadway, and split the lane to get out in front of the pack. As i'm approaching the 3-way intersection of Columbus/Montgomery/Washington, i still have the green and continue thru with the right of way. As i'm about 10-12 yards out from the intersection, red pickup makes an illegal right hand turn from southbound montgomery onto washington - directly in my path. I realize that collision is the only way this scenario is going to play out... i lock up the brakes and skid into his passenger door, using my entire left side (bike and body) to take the brunt. I didn't fall, but i stopped fast and it felt like it. SO i proceed to get the guy to stop - he did - and pull over - he did. I lean my bike up against the grill on his bumper and approach the window. It's an 80 year old chinese guy, and he can't understand what i'm saying. oh, and right around when i was directing jerkface to pull over, meatball blasted the intersection behind me, laughing and pointing and seriously loving it.

/rant
When that guy (meatball) cracked his skull on five separate occasions during work over teh course of the first year he lived here, i was there for him every time. Everytime he passed out wasted on Bart and woke up in Pittsburgh/Bay Point or Fremont with no ride home, i was the first one he'd call, even though i didn't have a car. I've bailed out meatball more times than i can remember, and he hates me for reasons unknown to me...i think onetime he said he hated me because of my relationship with my ex gf. This is the same guy who, after he was kicked out of the house we lived in for being a constant asshole, called my ex to talk shit and lie about me (how i have STD's...WTF?! who would make up tha stuff?!) and convince her of all of these reasons why she and i are broken up....the thing is, she already knew everything he was trying to "expose" about me....and she remains one of my closest friends to this day. This is the same guy who once caused our roommate's friend to storm out of the house in hysterics, sobbing and in tears because he proceeded to tell her that "it's all the Jews fault".... Same guy who is outwardly racist - in the midst of one of our "lively discourses" he screamed at me about how white men are the devil and consciously keep everyone "down"....but he's white himself. This is the same guy who, when confronted and humiliated in public by someone he owed $150 to (call him Frank), decided to focus his rage on ME by screaming about how i conspired with "Frank" about where he was....meatball's debt to Frank - who did him a solid favor by giving him a bike frame when he crashed his own - had nothing to do with me. The fact that that person called him out in front of a dozen people at the statue had nothing to do with me. Anyone who wants to, can find meatball anytime of the day between the hours of 8am to 5:30pm: at the statue drinking sparks with a spliff. This is the same roommate that will break your shit and not pay you back for it. This is the same roommate that will just come into your room without asking and look for stuff. This is the same roommate that will be happy to smoke all of your ganja but never share any of his own. This is the same roommate who will leave angry little notes everywhere. Bottom of the barrel, scumbag bike messenger who doesn't accept responsibility for anything or any shit situation he creats. He hates anyone that's got anything nice in their life, because he's convinced himself that he's lower than anyone else. The world is out to get him, and he loves to play the victim. On two separate occasions that i know of in Chicago, he instigated a fist-fight, got popped in the nose, and immediately called the cops. it's weak-ass pussy-shit. it must be tough doing 15 tags a day, all of which are between 111 pine and 265 mo. I must admit i am much better off without that character in my life.
/end rant

Anyways, back to the wreck at hand. A big huge security officer came running out of 655 Mo, yelling "I'm a cyclist, i saw it happen," etc. etc. and he starts jotting down info, and says he's going to flag down an officer. I continue to ask the driver about insurance or ID, and i'm getting nowhere because "he doesn't speak english". At this point, i'm almost convinced that i'm not going to get anywhere, and consider venting by introducing my u-lock to his headlights and taking off....but by then the security guard had flagged down a DPT meter maid, who came over and checked it out. He he some radioing back and forht, and tells me that the only way to get PD over here quick is by saying ssomeones injured... although i had never said if i was hurt. EMTs and cops come, and i copy down all of the guys info. Thank fucking god/allah/buddha/krishna this guy has a current policy with State Farm!

EMT checks me out, they confirm that, yes, i'm okay. Cops come, i show them what's wrong /broken on my bike, and they attempt to get a translator. Cop realizes i'm trying to get back to work, and lets me go after getting all my information.

Another positive interaction with SF's Finest, one rattled skull and no broken bones....makes for another day on the lines. The weather was freakin' amazing too!

one of those days.

So two sundays ago, my work bike was stolen from taco bell. we were reunited after 45 minutes, but not before i scoured my lovely neighborhood after dark in the rain. Good story for another time. I followed a trail of clues which led me to the culprit.

But no, no, today i am writing because of work, and the happenings of my day, today while at work, as a courier / bike messenger in SF.

Started out the day, went on a run to District Court that was bringing me back to base in the Mission. I'm jamming southbound down the bikelane on polk, looking to cross market onto 10th, then make a zig and a zag to get onto Folsom to get to 18th. Before i get to polk, this jackass in a fancy car gets too close for comfort to me and crosses the line, so i let him know. He didn't appreciate my gesture, i had already moved on and was across market, clear in front. Out of nowhere, this lightweight object strikes me (or the oversize flats sticking out of the top of my bag), and the jackass rips past me again. he had thrown something at me, which turns out to be a coke can. I get hot and pursue (i never know what i'm going to do when i catch up), but we have all of the green lights on 10th, and he gets onto I-80. I knew it was a coke can because once i got back to base, coke was splattered on the outside of the package.

That's just to start the day.

Mid afternoon, things are starting to jump a bit.i'm coming up 3rd street thru SOMA, aiming for 2 picks at 201 3rd, then onto 49 Geary for another pick. i make the 201 3rd picks, now i'm cranking north on 3rd in the right lane. As i cross Jesse Alley, before i get to Stevenson alley and Market street, this jerkface in the far left lane in front of the Westin decides to step on it and cross three lanes of traffic in order to get to Stevenson alley. He does this and very nearly crushes me in the process. I obligatorily yell at him and suggest he take driving lessons. He then proceeds to deride me about how i'm a Big Man with my Toy, etc etc. Fuck. This is where i have a problem - i get hot. I've never gotten hot enough to punch someone, i'll wait for the firs tpunch and then end it. But this douche gets under my skin somehow. As he's stopped just inside Stevenson and jawing with me, i pull up to his rear, driver-side and we continue our discourse. Fuck it, i'm done - i left a love tap (with key in palm) on the rear quarterpanel. Not too hard, palm slap for effect.

This is where i need to learn how to get away better.

So after i slapped his truck, dude blows UP. I'm scrambling to turn around and get away, but i didn't quite get my footing as i turned around, and all of a sudden this huge guido hulk has got me by the right shoulder tomahawk patch on my Hawks jersey and won't let go. Oh, it's on now. We start bellowing at eachother, he's trying to call the cops, i key up on the radio in case i get knocked the fuck out, at least my co workers will hear it. this guy was GIANT and wasn't letting me go. Meanwhile a crowd is gathering on the corner of Stevenson and third. I'm not paying so much attention to them, but it seems i have their support - someone other than me saw that dickface drive like shit. So i'm on my horse, dude's got me by the right shoulder. No way i'm going to punch the guy, but he's restraining me and i'm pissed.

Out of nowhere comes this decrepit little cracky bum. he gets right up to me on my left side and starts going on about how he saw what happened, and that I am in the wrong, yadda yadda yadda. I tell him to STFU, he keeps going on, and i give him a forearm shiver with my left (free) arm, shoving him back about 5 feet, and i turn my attention back to the matter at hand.

Cracky-bum comes back at me on my left side. This time, he says "dont fuck with me, you wouldn't want to get this" and with that, he has something in his palm that he's about to stab/slice/needle me with and is making the move to slice my upper left arm.

Fuck this. I woudl have dealt with Hulk somehow, but this Cracky-bum exacerbated the situation and i decided i needed to do more to get the fuck out. As cracky-bum is moving the move to me, my left arm cocks back and i wallop this fool on the side of his skullet. To my surprise and joy, at the exact same time Hulk lets go of my jersey - i don't know what it was, but i heard someone in the crowd just yelling "get outta here man, ride!" I didn't need to hear that to know. I took off east down stevenson, turning left at Annie (knowing it ends at a plaza before meeting Market st.). I didn't want to stay on the street for fear of being run over. i try to jump the high curb off of Annie onto the Plaza, but i endo'ed, nearly bailed, and threw my chain. I picked my ride up and ran into the nearst store, a bakery, and took off my helmet and jersey, effectivly changing costumes.

and there's more, but not as exciting. after that i gather up a court run, head out Mission st, turn right onto 7th. I'm coming up 7th twds market, and there's a caddy in the middle lane, stopped. I see the passenger side door start to open as i'm approaching the rear of the car, and with my left hand (while yelling) throw it closed (well, less open, at least.). I cross market and merge onto mcallister, and while i'm crossing hyde another jerkface turns left in front of me (turning into my forward direction) but does so from HIS far right lane. Arrrgh! I have had enough of idiots today. So while i make sure HE doesn't hit me (by yelling of course) i'm momentarily distracted. I'm infront of 35o McAllister (my destination) and my right hand knuckles graze (loudly) a drivers side mirror of a parked car, and just my luck the owner is near by. He yells at me like that wasnt' what he needed to end his day. I didn't need it either. I rode around to the other side of the block and went in through the back.

Quotables

I like poignant quotes. Here are some of them:

Ain't no shame in holding onto grief...as long as you make room for other things too. - Bubbles, on The Wire

but that doesn't mean that I want to get to know them or hang out with them - random joe

"It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am." ~Muhammad Ali

If I don't see you no more in this world, I'll meet you on the next one, so don't be late. - Jimi Hendrix

"fuck it dude... let's go bowling" - Walter in Big Lebowski.

"Garth Brooks has done to country music what panty hose have done to finger fucking"- Waylon Jennings

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president. - Kurt Vonnegut

I'm rocking and doing it well in the science of light, but really I'm doing it well in the science of life. -Wesley Willis

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy - Tom Waits

a true friend stabs you in the front - wilde

The fool thinks himself to be wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool" - William Shakespeare

"It's good to know who hates you; and it's good to be hated by the right people." - Johnny Cash

PJ O'Rourke-isms:

• A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

• A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

• After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

• America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

• Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

• Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.

• Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

• Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.

• Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.

• Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

• Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.

• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

• Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

• Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

• Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

• Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.

• Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

• Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

• I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.

• I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.

• I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality.

• If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

• If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

• In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

• Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

• Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

• Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?

• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

• Never fight an inanimate object.

• Never wear anything that panics the cat.

• Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.

• Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.

• Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.

• Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

• The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

• The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

• The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

• The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

• There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

• There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

• What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?

• Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

• With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.

• You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

• 
  

the first city, first job

I started this career as a Professional Urban Cyclist in beautiful Chicago, Illinois, wayyyy back in the first portion of 2005, either February or March. (My PBR-addled brain has a tough time with dates sometimes. ) My reasoning for wanting to work on my bike was easy - i could be my own "boss". Theoretically, the harder i work, the more $ that means, and usually that is the case. I figured i was beating the curve by starting before all the fair-weather students out for summer break. Every April (or so), in EVERY city with a messenger industry, there is an influx of fresh-outta-school, got-a-new brakeless fixie kids. I also beat the winter that year...i got in while it was getting out.

Anyway, rookies on the job tend to learn the hard way.

My first gig was with Standard Courier. They are one of the more monolithic companies to work for, caring less about the employees and more about the bottom line. I was naive. I didn't understand what it meant to be an Independant Contractor (gross). I didn't realize that it wasn't the norm to "rent"your two-way radio from the company you work for, often paying way too much $ weekly for only having two-way capability an NO dial-out landline service. I didn't realize the evil extolls of NICA "insurance" at the time, of which i paid $100/month for...which in many cases (not mine, thankfully) turned out to be useless.

(Check out this link to a letter from a bike messenger to the NICA powers-that-be. )

Standard was fine, a good way to learn the ropes of the job, didn't make much $ , but who REALLY does this job to be in it for the money, anyways? I started riding some janky HYbrid bike. I looked really goofy on it, but it got me to wher i needed to be. Then i went to Burning Man and was gifted a day-glo green spray-painted Peugeot roadie...woo, i got fast. I worked at Standard for roughly one year, before moving on to....

Why, indeed....an introduction

I'm a messenger, a bike messenger. I'm not a car messenger, or a horse messenger, or a jet-ski messenger. Bike messenger. I like to play in traffic. So, before i get all codgery and forget about the many wondrous occurrences i see with some regularity, i figure i ought to recount these tales from the front.

I'm a messenger in a City. An evolving City. A City where wonder and amazement are just around the corner from wherever you may be, at any time. Transplanted from yet another big City...a different species of City, buy equally fantastic and suspenseful. Being a courier works for me simply because i work for it. In my past life i was a cubicle-convict....i did that for the first half of my 20's. I then "killed" my self, but not before burning out in a spectacular flame on the job. twice. working on my bike for 2 years in one city gave me the faith and belief that i could do it in any city. And what better reason, than to chase a girl to the other City from the first City.

I'm not a"writer" by any journalistic means - if anyone tunes in to this blog, a) I'll be surprised, and B).....i'll be surprised. But i think, what i hope to gain, is some insight into my own life...and a reference point for when i'm and old(er) codger who needs some help remembering.

and maybe we can all learn a thing or two. Because knowing is half the battle.


























yo Joe!